if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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