Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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