Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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