weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
