We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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