I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
