At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
