my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
