a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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