i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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