I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
