It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
