the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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