Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
