I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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