Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
