good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You smell like stripper and shame
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
