My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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