Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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