chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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