yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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