peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
