happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize