You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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