So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I want her autograph on my taint
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
