i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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