Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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