youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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