We're facebook friends in real life
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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