I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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