After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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