I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
