i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
