I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
