When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize