the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize