i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
