The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize