I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We need a shit load of segways right now
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
