i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
