I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
