I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
