at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize