imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
