I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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