he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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