After last night, I could never be a politician.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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