I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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