there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
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