My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
