I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
