just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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