Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
