i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
