my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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