If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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