Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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