I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
