rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
