Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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